The Bill of Rights According to Elephants and Donkeys

Mroooowwwwrrrr! Right now, my house is in unacceptable condition. The human moved everything out of the front room! The cat tree I love so much is not near a window! The carpet is wet! It smells all wrong! Where's my scent?! Why has he done such a terrible thing?! After I write today, I am going to shed all over that carpet! Rrrr...

Ok, as you can tell, I am not happy! I'm not even typing from the same room! Anyways, here's a quick reference for where Elephants and Donkeys stand on the Bill of Rights!

Amendment 1: Free Speech and Religion

Elephants: Corporations are people. They are the exalted job creators and should be in control of morality. Jesus and corporations go hand in hand. Money should equal free speech. That's what Jesus meant when he said to have compassion. Scumbag poor people can talk all they want, who cares, we won't listen! Hahahaha!

Donkeys: Koch Brothers are bad! Bill Gates is good! Limit corporate political spending as long as it's the Koch Brothers and not our money! Free speech is ok as long as nobody's talking ill about us!

Second Amendment: Right to Bear Arms

Elephants: Guns! We can stomp out the peasants anytime we want to, so let them have their arms. Supporting Amendment 2 also makes us look good.

Donkeys: Government and police should own all the guns, and you'll be lucky if you can own a stapler after we're done with America.

Amendment 3: This Amendment prohibits forcing someone to house a soldier without consent. Both parties would rather you house illegal immigrants and terrorists anyways, while they count their profits. Now Elephants, don't get catty with me. Your party hasn't done anything to help border security either.

Amendment 4: Search and Seizure.

Elephants: What idiot made up this pile of horse manure? We can seize what we want, when we want. You deserve no privacy.

Donkeys: See above.

Amendment 5: Due process of Law

Elephants: Plead the Fifth all you want, we'll just imprison you anyways. The only right you peasants should have is "the right to remain silent".

Donkeys: See above.

Amendment 6: Fair and Speedy Trial

Elephants: HAHAHAHAHA who made up these rules? Rot in jail, communist!

Donkeys: We're going as fast as we can... Please hold for the next available representative....we apologize for the delay... We're going as fast as we can...

Amendment 7: Right to Jury trial.

Elephants: We had to work around this one a bit. As long as our activist judicial system hand-picks the jury and controls what a jury hears, we should still be able to ensure a profitable prison system.

Donkeys: See above.

Amendment 8: Right to avoid excessive bail, excessive fines, and cruel and unusual punishment.

Elephants: You know, let's pretend this one doesn't exist. The War on Drugs is more important to our exalted billionaires' pocketbooks than an actual solution to the drug issue. We want excessive bail, fines, and punishment for just about everything! Unless you have affluenza, of course. Go ahead and get sauced up; just don't run over too many people at once.

Donkeys: C'mon! You guys sound mean! Just pretend to care about things like worthless medical cannabis patients and that'll fool enough people! And be sure to watch "Lockup" all f***ing weekend on MSNBC! HAHAHA suckers!

Amendment 9: This is a tricky one: It reads, "The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people." Well, let's just say that both political parties have taken away many of our rights over the years and pretend that it's Constitutional. Our Supreme Court uses the Bill of Rights as their personal toilet paper.

Amendment 10: States' Rights

Elephants: YES! States' Rights is important! Wait... not for that.. or that... DEFINITELY not that... You know, let's just throw this silly, childish Bill of Rights away. Especially that tricky Amendment 9. We like our interpretations!

Donkeys: See above.

Rawrrr! Elephants and Donkeys both get a zero! Vote for me and I'll help re-shackle our government! They sure need it!


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