We Are Better Than This! Part 1/2 - Elephants
Meow! Good morning humans, this is Rocky speaking. I was so excited about today that I ran over my human servant's head while he was sleeping at 5:30am! Why am I so excited? Today I'm writing the first of 31 blog entries for the month of August! I will be writing on a variety of subjects. Let's dive right in. I will start with a bold claim:
I am a better Republican than any Republican, and I am a better Democrat than any Democrat.
Ok maybe that claim wasn't bold. It's not like I have much competition. If I was a used napkin I'd still be better. I compare them all to that terrible cat food my human tried to feed me one day; it was expensive, it left a bad taste in my mouth, and it needed to be buried ten feet underground! I love the U.S.A. and I want to help you humans realize that your current politicians are not worth a single vote. I know that sounds impossible, but all I can do is try!
Today, let's talk about Elephants, or as you call them, Republicans.
I agree with elephants on some things. Elephants want a strong military. Yes, we absolutely need one of those. Many elephants want border security. I'm all for that. We can't take ourselves seriously as a nation if we simply allow everyone to cross our borders without us knowing. True to my cat-ness, I always want to know who's in my house. Elephants like their guns. I do not wish to de-claw America. The Second Amendment is important for many reasons. One reason in particular is to protect us from... elephants.
Rawr! Despite our agreements, I will not support them -- or their buddies, the Teacups. As a whole, elephant politicians are just plain ignorant. They'll go on the TV and yell at poor people, blaming them for being poor. They make a lot of generalized, antagonistic statements like, "47% of people don't pay taxes!". And as ridiculous as this sounds, they think corporations are people. Suuuure. Let's see a corporation exist without humans working their tails off to keep it running. Their "trickle down economics" practices are killing the middle class and all they can do is blame everyone but themselves! Rewarding the mega-rich with tax loopholes and excess influence on United States culture isn't working! Hmm, what else?
On social issues, most Elephant politicians are bigots who don't realize the collateral damage of their bigotry! They think alcohol and tobacco are fine and they receive large campaign donations from these industries. Just like their god Nixon, they think of human catnip as the devil plant. Even the New York Times gets it now. Catnip prohibition has caused decades of erosion to the fabric of America. And why are there so many elephant politicians who still, to this day, deny human catnip's medical value? At this point they're just stuffing their ears with cat litter to filter out the truth. Why do they claim they want limited government when they want control over our bodies?! Elephant politicians often say they're Christian, but they forget that only God is allowed to judge. So, they judge homosexuals poorly. We're all sinners and we're all the same. Hey, it isn't me who said that, it was Jesus. Also, elephants cling to the notion that making abortion illegal again is the solution. Wouldn't it be great if Republicans finally realized that hypocrisy, prohibition, and jail are not the best answers for everything they don't like?!
I have a strong national defense platform like the Elephants, but without their fake, hypocritical version of morality.
Elephants have one strategy: Call what you hate "liberal" or whatever other stupid catch phrase is in style. Why does it work so well? Because, sadly, the donkeys suck just as much.
That's enough for today, because I know most humans take their politics in small, treat-sized pieces. I will talk about Democrats, a.k.a. donkeys, tomorrow!