Rocky's Interview 2/03/14
Last week, Rocky made a splash with his first candid interview. This week, Rocky will elaborate on some of his platform. We are currently waiting for Rocky to finish grooming himself after his lunch. Ah, there he is.
Q: Rocky, I must say... wow, those are some strong stances you've taken. We aren't used to politicians being so candid and honest.
A: Meowwww! I am a strong cat. Why would I not have strong feelings?
Q: Let's start off with your sentiments towards the military. How do you plan to strive for peace?
A: I'm not going to lie to the good American humans. I don't think I can sit in humans like Mr. Kimjong's lap and purr my way to peace. I'll ensure that reasonable, peaceful diplomats talk to him for me. Speaking of Kimjong...
Hey! Old, weird basketball player? Yes I am talking to you. Would you like to be my diplomat for North Korea? You seem to like it there. Tell them to not hurt anyone and to treat their citizens better.
Anyways, I love our military and don't want them in any unnecessary danger. Because of this, I will listen closely to the input provided by our great military tacticians.
Q: You don't have any invasion plans, do you?
A: We don't want to invade anyone, Middle East or North Korea. We like our own territory. Foreign relations aren't predictable, though. Just understand that. I believe first and foremost, this country needs to make peace with itself.
Q: You want to end unnecessary spying on innocent people. How do you plan to do that?
A: Laws like the Patriot Act were created out of fear, and fear it has bred. Rawwwrrr! That name "Patriot Act" is so insulting! First off, my Administration shall re-word it and name it "The RESPECT Act". (Reserved Ethical Spying Provides Effective Counter Terrorism). No Patriot I know is for spying on innocent Americans.
Recent NSA scandals show that their spying and data collection "inadvertently" gathers information on innocent non-terrorists. This makes humans uncomfortable and rightfully so. Some paranoid humans in Congress have called all sorts of groups "terrorists", "threats to America", and "terrorist sympathizers". What, now do we want to spy on gun owners, catnip users, and those who can't stand elephants and donkeys? Where will it end? Maybe if I change some laws, we can spy better.
Q: Perfect segue into our next topic, Rocky. How do you plan to end the War on Cannabis?
A: You see, that's the bad war. You might as well call it "World War III: The War for Catnip" at this point. Humans who like donkeys always want to "end the war in the Middle East" yet they are too scared to talk about human catnip. Your human donkey president has pussy-footed around the subject for years! He says one thing and does another. His statements regarding human catnip and the laws themselves are inaccurate and misleading. And you elephant lovers, Oh, I haven't forgotten about you. You need to get rid of those catnip hating bigots in your party. They sit there and throw stones from glass houses. It gives me hairballs.
I shall end this war. People will be let out of prison. It's not up to humans in the corrections and law enforcement industries to dictate morality in a free country. I will be renaming the ATF (Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms) to FACT (Bureau of Firearms, Alcohol, Cannabis, and Tobacco) Why? Because it's a FACT that if you take away one of these four things from good humans, it causes more harm than good!
Q: What else will you do to ensure a smooth transition away from prohibition?
My Administration and I will be working closely with the human catnip using community to establish STRICT codes of use. These codes will cover the areas of responsible use, limited use in public, no human catnip advertisements, and acceptable medical conditions for qualification as a medicinal user. That way, we can bring human catnip users out of the shadows. Prohibition of human catnip by design causes humans to flaunt their use too much. So, it is a bad law that gets disrespected millions of times daily.
Q: Will you allow any public use?
I will allow limited use in public. For example, I will allow "cannabis clubs" that will take away any car keys for admission. The club owners will provide human carriers -- you call them taxis, yes? -- to and from the club. They will not serve alcohol (and bars will not be allowed to serve human catnip) This idea would be popular with humans who prefer cannabis to alcohol and want to socialize with like-minded folks. I understand some humans mix the two substances, but I would recommend you do that in a private setting. I'm not getting rid of "Disturbing the Peace" laws.
I hope all 'nip users can understand why it's important to act like you have class. Past (and current) governments have treated you like you have none, so I understand why you hiss in anger. Don't ever give up the fight for your freedom. It is them who are morally wrong; let them act the fool.
Q: Thank you so much, Mr. Rocky. In our next interview, we'll be hearing about Second Amendment rights and other exciting topics!
A: Mrrow! I don't care if you just fed me. Feed me again!