Rocky's First Interview
Good morning, everyone! Today's guest is none other than Rocky the Cat, Presidential hopeful for 2016. This interview will shed some light on his reasons for running. Let's get started!
Q: Well hello there, Mr. Rocky. How are you today?
A: Purrrraoow! (Adjusts the settings on his Babelcat) Hi! I'm doing just fine, thank you.
Q: It is truly an honor to be the first to interview you. Let's address the elephant in the room. How do you expect to even enter the Presidential race, much less win, being a cat?
A: I have been looking forward to answering this question. I am the best choice. My platform is American. You can see it in the "Presidential Platform" page of my website. Their platforms are scary and Un-American. They will add more bad laws. You see, I've carefully studied all the human Presidents the past few decades. It's quite obvious that them and their Congresses all stink worse than my litterbox.
Q: Could you please elaborate?
A: Rawrrrr! These elephant- and donkey-humans cannot and will not help America. They lie. They steal money and get mad when confronted. They call the humans jealous. They demand respect yet can't do their jobs. They continue to excessively harass and punish the humans, causing poor humans to become poorer. Then, they'll go on that big rectangle picture thing and bash the humans having trouble making ends meet. They want us to respect their privacy, but they want to take ours away. They want more regulations, more tests, more government, more rules, more spying, and less liberty. When the stinky elephants trample over the humans, the humans run to the donkeys for help. When the stinky donkeys do nothing but make those stupid "Haw-Hee!" noises, the humans run back to the elephants. It's time to run away from both of them and help me lick this country clean!
Q: So, you don't have faith in Republicans or Democrats, correct?
A: Clearly. I'm not against a two-party system, but ours is in need of a good bath. Both of our parties are flea-ridden down to the core. Voting out existing elephants and donkeys only does so much. You can elect new ones, but they'll be just as bad if the same mean humans are paying them.
Q. Mean humans? Who are these mean humans?
A: There's lots of different types of mean humans. Some, like in my last answer, are rich and bribe the government. Some say they are better than others because they have this thing they call religion. Some humans blindly support their elephants or their donkeys. If you don't agree with them, they call you racist or tell you to move to North Korea. Some humans are so mean they don't treat dogs and cats nicely. Hiss!
Q: I'm sure I'm not the only one who's curious. Why did you announce your candidacy so soon?
A: Mean humans have been training Americans to be helpless little mousies when it comes to politics. Now, the mousies prefer to think about politics once every four years. It's kind of like that show my male human watches with all the ice skating and skiing. That happens only once every four years, too. The problem is, when we don't care enough about politics, bad things happen. By running for President now, I have two years to raise awareness. Some might not like it, but we have to start caring about politics every day in order to fix this country.
Q: Well, Mr. Rocky, we're out of time. I really hope to hear more from you about all these issues and your solutions to them!
A: You will, my good human. The problem has been identified. We are enabling a bad government to run amuck. Regardless of how many legs we have, we must learn to stand up like real Americans should.